Josh and Tom Tom storm Auckland. Twice.

So I had a very important, potentially life-changing interview in Auckland today. Because Auckland is not my friend, I enlisted the help of Tom Tom, a GPS navigational doohickey that was gratefully borrowed from the Windle (a teacher from Cushla’s school).
But Tom Tom and I did not see eye to eye about how our partnership would work. I thought Tom Tom was going to give me directions and help me get to my meeting well in advance of the appointed time. Tom Tom preferred to whisper cryptic directions such as “KEEP. RIGHT” until the last possible moment. Then it would casually suggest, in its robot voice, “TAKE. EXIT.” What it should have said was, “VEER. WILDLY. ACROSS. THREE. LANES. OF. TRAFFIC. TAKE. EXIT.”
Apparently there was a volume button to ramp the whisper up to a reasonable volume, but my frantic stabs at the touch screen were not sufficient to rectify the problem. So with the radio off and the windows wound up tight to screen out the noise of motorway traffic, I craned my ear, desperate for guidance. But no guidance was forthcoming. As I missed my intended exit and watched Tom Tom recalculate my arrival time for the second time, I could imagine how Tom Tom would react if it had human emotions like me.
“KEEP. RIGHT. TAKE – OH. CHRIST. AM. I. TALKING. TO. MYSELF?
As I crossed the Auckland harbour bridge heading for the North Shore, I broke. Perspiration began to bead my forehead, in part from stress and partly because I was forced to keep all the windows up and the morning sun was throwing its two cents in. I began to swear at Tom Tom. “Fuck you, Tom Tom!” I screamed (being quite stressed at this time) “You had one job! One fucking job!”
“KEEP RIGHT”, Tom Tom replied.
“Fuck you.”
After a little scenic tour through the northern suburbs Tom Tom got me back on the motorway heading into Auckland city centre once again. I decided to ignore Tom Tom until I had found the proper exit myself. Once I was in the city centre Tom Tom actually came through for me. And finally, finally, I heard some good news. “YOU. HAVE. REACHED. YOUR. DESTINATION.”

YOU. MUST. BE. FUCKING. KIDDING. ME.

Gold Coast Honeymoon, Part 3.

The epic conclusion to the three part trilogy!
As in the last instalment, titles are hyper-linked to relevant websites.

White Water World – Theme park number 2. We decided to leave it at that, as Wet ‘n Wild and Movie World very similar to what we had the parks we had already visited, and we just ran out of time for Sea World. But we definitely went for it on this one. I think we rode every ride at least once. We started with the Green Room, which launches a donut tube down a thirty foot drop into a swirling funnel. Unlike at Dreamworld, the exhilaration of this ride just spurred us on to do the rest of the park! My favourite ride was the BRO. All you did was race against seven others, each of you on a foam mat, through a tunnel coming out on a long straight, where you inevitably got a face full of water. We did that one twice. There were some downsides that prevented this from being a 10/10 experience. As always, huge lines were an issue for most of the rides, and because the day was so hot and the experience necessitated bare feet, you would think designers would consider the need for a foot surface that doesn’t absorb sunlight and hence burn your feet to a crisp! But when your feet had had enough there was always the Cave of Waves or the Big Bucket (getting hit with 1000 litres of water is more fun than I had imagined, like taking all your showers for the year at once.) to give them a much-needed rest. 9/10

Sushi Train – Damn, I love sushi train! It’s pretty self-explanatory : there’s a little ‘train’ of sushi that comes around on a belt, like a luggage carousel. You just pick a plate that interests you and get stuck in. There’s something ever so satisfying about finishing a meal and having a stack of tiny plates before you. You can look back at those plates and reminisce, ‘oh yeah, that light blue one was the soft shell crab. Good times.’ It’s almost like a miniature tower of your gastronomic achievement. I found out that there is a Sushi Train in Auckland – the only one in New Zealand – and now my life is about finding reasons to go there and get sushi! I suggested to sushi that she could get ‘making sushi’ lessons in Japan and open her own Sushi Train one day (ostensibly so I would get free sushi). But apparently it takes years and years, plural. Not one year. Dumb. 9/10

Surf Ink Tattoo – I flew solo on this one, as Cush’s interest in tattoos is not as highly developed as mine, shall we say. The main thing I learnt in this experience was that there isn’t a lot of point going to a tattoo convention if you don’t intend to actually get tattooed. I would like to get some more tattoos someday soon, but I’m a big believer in preparation. I saw a very sensible gentleman getting words scarred into his back by a Norwegian man who is apparently very talented at this. I saw a man with horns like Satan and I wondered where he worked during the day. Does that count as cosmetic surgery? I noticed a lot of girls were dressed like they were pinup girls from the 1950s (but with all the tattoos making them look like some sort of biker gang). This seems to be part of the culture, but it was also interesting to see a booth selling ‘makeovers’ in this 50s style. Something a bit different. 5/10 (Probably would have been a lot higher had I got a tattoo)

Timezone – Surfers Paradise has the biggest Timezone in Australia. If you think that is quite odd for a tourist destination based around swimming and big fun outdoor theme parks, you are not alone. I felt the same way. But it turns out, when you’re put and about in Surfers Paradise, in the middle of the day staying inside Timezone can be a great idea. I got pwned by this little kid who followed me around in LaserStrike (didn’t help that I was wearing a white t-shirt that literally glowed in the U/V lights they use to illuminate the maze. Everything else was good fun, but I have to tell you about CircleDome! Delightfully named, as domes other than the circular variety are quite uncommon, CircleDome’s unfortunate moniker belies the ridiculous addictiveness of the machine itself. It’s pretty simple, you roll coin-shaped tokens through slots in the side of the machine onto a sweeping metal plate. As you fail (which you will. A lot) the coins build up at the end of the sweeping plate’s arc. Eventually you will get that one token in place that causes a whole bunch of other tokens to be swept off the side of the platform. That is called a win. There is some other stuff with numbers on an LED display and a jackpot function, but really all I needed was my tokens and my sweeper. That machine... damn. It got its hooks into both of us. One of those crafty devices that bridges the gap between gaming and gambling. It’s a small gap, only a ‘b’ and an ‘l’ away. 8/10

Circle Dome - You delicious temptress, you.

Harbourtown – This place had promo posters all over the place, proclaiming it the ‘shopping adventure of a lifetime’. I don’t know what they think constitutes a shopping ‘adventure’ but to me it conjures images of women flinging cell phones, throttling each another with designer scarves or driving stiletto heels into one another’s eyes in pursuit of elusive bargains. Which coincidentally would be more enjoyable than a trip to Harbour Town, voted by me world’s worst shopping mall 2010. I’m not proud to say it, but I threw a massive three-year-old-style tantrum after about 25 minutes at this place and made my wife take me back to the bus for the 30 minute ride back to Surfers Paradise. That’s right, it took us longer to get there than the amount of time we spent there. I hate you, Harbour Town. Disclaimer: it was my idea to go there, so I earned all the pain that came to me. 1/10 It gets a 1 only because it had an Asian grocery that sold Panda candy.

La Porchetta – For our last night in Broadbeach, I had only one request: I wanted some delicious Italian-style pizza. I have fond memories of it from my childhood, but they just don’t seem to make pizza the same way in New Zealand. It’s all about the ham. La Porchetta definitely brought the experience back to me. Mmmmm. Why can’t we have proper pizza in NZ? 7/10

Currumbin Wildlife Sanctuary – Unfortunately this was one of those days where it was really just too hot to do anything. We trudged around the Wildlife Sanctuary, I think quite admirably, eschewing the miniature train. The weather also caused many animals to hide out, understandably. Disappointments in the hiding area were the Tasmanian Devil, the dingo and the platypus. I most enjoyed the reptiles (I don’t care how cuddly they’re not, just admit they’re fascinating.); the kangaroos, with their effortless cool – aren’t they just like the leather-jacket wearing James Dean of animals; and the echidna, getting into its mango in a big way. And of course the koala, who can make dropping a dozy poo look cute. They’re really more cute than any creature has a right to be. What is the purpose of being so cute? Is cuteness a useful, darwinianly-relevant survival trait? 8/10 Disclaimer: ‘darwinianly’ may or may not be an actual word.

This is a selection of the more exciting or noteworthy adventures we had on our honeymoon. These experiences create strong memories that we can look back on forever. But the best times, in my opinion, are the quiet times when it is just you and your partner and the world is about nothing else but the two of you. I jealously keep these to myself.
Josh

Gold Coast Honeymoon, Part 2.

The Adventures Continue...


Because I have a tendency to go on a bit (which I believe is a teacher thing) I will list the major activities we undertook, give them a rating out of 10 for awesomeness, then comment to the tune of one paragraph. We’ll see how that goes.
Note: Names in green are hyper-links to websites related to those attractions.

Koi – We arrived in Broadbeach about 7:00 on a Tuesday. Once we dropped our bags off in our room and headed out for dinner, it was amazing the amount of activity on the streets. By happy coincidence, we had booked accommodation in a venue that was fronted by a block of restaurants on both sides of the street. We chose Koi based on the age-old principle of ‘if a place looks busy, the food must be good.’ And we weren’t disappointed. More importantly though, our waiter was not only competent but quite hilarious, qualities that we would come to realise are sadly lacking in Gold Coast hospitality. It was a great start to our honeymoon. 8/10

Phoenician Apartments - Our accommodation was choice. For the location and the time of year, we got an incredible deal, saving about $2000 over the usual cost for the space we received. Located in Broadbeach, we found the atmosphere both peaceful and energising, not as grossly commercial as Surfers Paradise itself, but close enough for access. You’ll see from the other sections that it was well placed for us to get to locations like the Convention Centre, Dracula’s and Pacific Fair. 9/10

The view from our 8th storey apartment was amazing. You'd know that if our giant heads weren't in the way.

Dreamworld – I have been to Dreamworld once before, when I was about 10 years old. I was looking forward to going back and checking out some of the rides that I was too small or wussy to get on last time. To that end, The Claw was a poor first choice of ride. It looked deceptively gentle from the ground, but it turned out that when you were in it, upside down, with only the harness holding you in your seat it wasn’t so relaxing. The Claw decimated our collective matrimonial nerve to the point where we spent the rest of the day riding log flumes and such. Thumbs down go to the lunch we paid quite a lot of money to at ‘Fast Foods’. It was rubbish. But before leaving we spent far too much money in the candy shop. We left with like a shopping bag full of lollies. That made me feel better. :) 5/10

The Big prawn. Incidentally, Cush does love seafood this much. There are teethmarks in that thing.

Dracula’s – We were pretty ambitious, cramming Dreamworld and Dracula’s into a single day, and I distinctly remember being buggered by the end of it. But it was totally worth it. I was so captivated by the band, who warmed the audience up by turning rock songs - like Radiohead’s Creep, Ugly Kid Joe’s I Hate Everything about You and Metallica’s Enter Sandman - into jazz, that it wasn’t until the walk home that I realised the show as a whole had no story. We had such a good time I can’t hold it against them though. We laughed a lot, just a really good time. 9/10

Pacific Fair – We had a cruisy day after the previous Dreamworld/Dracula’s double team. After brunch we headed out on foot (we did this a lot, foolishly) for Pacific Fair. We’d seen its exterior across the road from Dracula’s and thought it bore further exploration. It turned out to be a city-sized mall. It was ridiculously huge. But we just wandered around and it was a good time. I managed to pick up some cheap books and even some birthday presents for some people back home, plus I got a used copy of Brutal Legend pretty cheaply, so that was a bonus. 8/10

Basketball – On a total impulse, we decided to attend a basketball game that night. The Gold Coast Blaze versus the Adelaide 36ers. It was the first live basketball game that Cushla had attended, and neither of us were sure how it would go. We needn’t have worried though, because Cush is nothing if not vocal, and she quickly got behind the 36ers, clapping cheering and also dispensing advice from time to time... The experience definitely made me wish I had been more active over the last 10 years in my own support of basketball. I remember being amazed at how popular basketball was when I was in Beijing, and I’m definitely hoping the same holds true if (when) we get to Japan. P.S The 36ers won. Probably because of Cush. 10/10 I married a sports fan. Woohoo!

Infinity – Infinity does a great job of hyping itself, but not such a good job on delivering the goods. It's touted as a glimpse into the future. Well if the future requires everyone to wear white napkin slipper things and walk through mirror mazes full of blinded laser lights, count me out. Cryogenically freeze me until we graduate past that and become more like the Jetsons. (Didn't see them wearing napkin slippers...) We paid about $50 for the pair of us, and that provided approximately 20 minutes of walking through unusual rooms. Granted, you can walk as quickly or slowly as you wish, thereby providing value for money. But, honestly, I was over it. It was less trippy than the Yayoi Kusama exhibit I saw in Wellington a few months back. The first few rooms were pretty cool, but I think the designer/engineer/whoever-comes-up-with-these-ideas-man ran out of steam after the fifth ‘mind-blowing concept’. 3/10

Okay, that's it for now. I'm gonna have to go three-parter on this one! Back soon.

Gold Coast Honeymoon, Part 1

Give me my honeymoon, now!

I have determined, through absolutely no rigorous research whatsoever, that many couples determine a honeymoon to be an indulgence, a good way to trim the burgeoning costs of weddings in this day and age. And I can understand that line of thought. After all, as New Zealanders we are supposedly a ‘nation of travellers’ who flit off to Whereversbekistan at a moment’s notice. Why should a honeymoon even be necessary?

I’m here to tell you it is necessary. Very necessary.

The final days leading up to the wedding were some of the most pressure-intense that I have experienced in my life thus far. Being away from home, often separated from each other while we ran around doing jobs or seeing to visitors was gruelling, all the while dealing with the constant thought that you would, very shortly, be engaged in an event of monumental import, where everything must be just so. Thank goodness, my wife-to-be did not go bridezilla on me or I may have snapped. In truth, she is the most laid back bride-to-be I can imagine, which in part explains why I was so flabbergasted by the amount of stress we both felt over the whole thing. It seems like a great test of your commitment to one another. In a way, I can understand why some brides or grooms just gap on the big day, don’t show up at all. I don’t believe it’s a case of whether you love your partner or not as much as a case of whether you can handle the pressure leading up to it. Without murdering anybody.

So I felt a distinct feeling of liberation when we boarded a plane to disappear for some much-needed time together. We left three days after the wedding, enough time to catch up with everybody who stuck around after the wedding and take care of the business end of things – returning suits, getting people to the airport, and dishing out goldfish (not as weird as it sounds).

I intend to spend the weekend putting my New Zealand life back together and hanging out with my wife, then I’ll tell you all about it.

Impending Separation...

As part of the Chinese Language scholarship I was awarded in August, I leave for China in a little under two weeks.
Such an event requires meticulous planning. Think about it: I'm going to be away from my iTunes for over a month!
I've downloaded a couple of full albums (Fall Out Boy and Nickelback) and some single tracks (Flyleaf, Escape the Fate, Story of the Year, Red Jumpsuit Apparatus). I've also put the best tracks from some of my favourite artists (Foo Fighters, 311, Weezer, Fun Lovin' Criminals) into playlists - call them my own 'greatest hits' collections, although usually the songs I like best are neither singles nor hits.
I hope it's enough to tide me over...
The new Fall Out Boy album, Folie a Deux is well worth a listen. I'm digging the riffing of America's Suitehearts and the retrospective outro of What a Catch, Donnie at the moment. There's an element of extra value in any Fall Out Boy album because half the tracks require you to guess what the heck their title means.

On the trip to Beijing I will be accompanied by the lovely Mrs Powley. Please check out our adventures at the following blog:
www.chicketychinathechinesechicken.blogspot.com
And pass it on to anyone else you know who might be keen to tune in and see if I survive. I won't make any bold promises about how frequently I'll update (this time!) but I'm only there for three weeks, so I'll have to be on the ball.
Merry Christmas to all. Yes, even you.