Now everyone can create their own language!

You probably missed that movie Avatar that was on last year. It was a bit of a sleeper hit. In it, blue giants spoke in a language invented by James Cameron. That’s right, destroying people’s lives through the misery of Titanic wasn’t enough for this visionary director, he had to have his own language too.

What... the hell... does ROFL mean?

But that’s cool. Experts tell us that new words are being added all the time. (For example, my wife creates six new words for pain whenever I forget to put the toilet seat down.) Nowadays everyone is creating their own language, they say. Language is continually evolving, these experts tell us.

Those experts are spastic retards. When something is getting worse, you call it devolving. Crack a thesaurus sometime, experts!

Have you ever wondered what the world used to be like before the word sup was invented? And I don’t mean the verb that describes when you’re having supper; I mean the word that people use when they are too goddamn lazy to say ‘what’s up’? I’ve lived it. It was called the 1980s and it was a great time! But we don’t live in the 1980s anymore. Nintendo games suck now, people lock their car doors when they go to swingers parties, and language is evol- oops, devolving.

The internet is cool, cos it helps me to get my stuff out there more easily for all my readers (thanks, Mum and Dad) and it provides me with all these totally helpful e-mails telling me how to increase my penis size. But it’s bad too, you know. And I don’t mean bad like when Michael Jackson said something was bad and you knew that really it was good. I mean actual bad! Or if you’re 10, I mean wack. I think people are still saying that. The internet is bad because it allows the speedy proliferation of words that aren’t even words. They’re punches in the abdomen to anyone who loves language. They’re like secret war messages that you need to decode before you can understand what someone’s trying to say to you. A perfect example of this is that word LOL. Nobody really knows who invented the acronym ‘LOL’. I personally suspect it was Satan. We all know he owns half the internet and he’s trying to demoralise us enough to make us do his job for him. But another thing I know is this: Knowledge is power. So if you are at all unsure about what some of these internet terms may mean, I will provide some information below for your reference. I suggest you print this off and locate it prominently in either your workplace or home.

LOL – This is an abridged version of the word loll, which means ‘to hang loosely; dangle’. When someone says LOL is means they can’t even muster the energy to reply to your inane nonsense. They basically hate you, regardless of the levity and amusement the rest of their message implies.

ROFL – Have you ever eaten a double fistful of popcorn in one mouthful? Me neither... recently. But if you did, it would drain all the saliva out of your mouth instantaneously, at which stage any word you tried to say would sound like ‘Rofl’. So when someone sends this otherwise cryptic message to you via the miracle of instant messaging, you will know that they are suffering from a grave case of mouthal dehydration. 16 million Americans die from this each year so do not hesitate – send an ambulance to their house. They will gladly pay the call out fee and will probably reward you too for your quick thinking.

LMFAO – Someone once told me this was short for ‘laughing my fucking ass off’. “Well, that’s not true,” I said. “You spend your whole life on message boards. Your ass is huge. It’s gonna take more than a picture of a cat performing a move from Street Fighter 2 to shift that glutinous mass.” And if that person is reading, look, it’s been five years. How long you gonna freeze me out?

Bwahahahaha! I can feel the pounds just melting off.

...Anyway, what LMFAO really means is Loose Mums Frequently Achieve Orgasm. I don’t even pretend to understand what that means, that's the subject line of another e-mail I received. But it’s a million times more plausible than that last ridiculous explanation.

The message here is simple, folks. Yes, we’re all busy working jobs and avoiding our families. But don’t act like your life is too busy to write out what you feel the need to express in full words. Are you performing life-saving surgery for 16 hours every day? No, you’re watching people do it on Grey’s Anatomy.

Would you still find him dreamy if I told you he’d spent most of today up to his elbows in octogenarian colon?