Modernising Sports

As our world continues its relentless march towards eventual ragnarrok or supernova oblivion (depending on your point of view) my 6 readers have begun asking themselves the big questions:

How can we achieve world peace?

What to do about all the pollution and stuff?

When will bigmrjosh increase the awesomeness of our tired, old sporting pursuits?

Well I can only answer two of those questions. Let’s start with sports!

Sports, right? They’ve been around for a while. We don’t know who for sure originally invented sports, but we do know that sports used to be cool. Way cooler than it is today. The Aztecs or the Mayans or something (meticulously researched) used to play their version of basketball with the heads of defeated warriors. Dribbling the ball would have been a problem... but otherwise, hell yeah! Thanks to our namby pamby fear of dismembered heads and limbs getting snapped like kindling, we have dumbed down our sporting pursuits ever since. I’m here to fix that. I’m going to do for sports the same thing I did for the cat that peed in my washing basket: kick it hard into the future. I’m going to modernise sports. Buckle up.

Wrestling

When I called the wrestling hotline and declared my intention of creating a new modern wrestling league, the guy at the other end wanted to know if I had come up with my acronym. I slapped my head with exasperation. Of course! It’s an unwritten law that all wrestling leagues must be preceded by an obscure acronym. Three letter acronyms like WWF or ECW are for wimps. I went the four.

In the spirit of honesty, I have forged the Straight Out The Closet (SOTC) Wrestling Federation (TM). Featuring only those athletes most eager to be oiled up and thrown at another oily dude.

I haven’t even oiled up yet! GOD I WANT YOU ON ME!

I don't know how watching two guys in mankinis pretend to fight but actually just rub their balls all over each other came to be considered a sport, but if you're a fan you might as well just admit it: you like the luncheon truncheon. And I have yet to meet a real woman who enjoys the 'sport' of wrestling.

V8 Supercars

If there’s one thing NZers with mullets love, it’s the V8s. For those of us with jobs: the classic V8 setup consists of 30 cars driving around a circular track 1600 times for the chance to become ultimate circle driving champion. Boring.

Now, usually if you like the V8s you dropped out of primary school, so you can’t afford to construct a circular track for your own car racing amusement. Don’t worry! The New Zealand Government thought of everything, and they have built a track for you, at tax payer expense. We call it SH1.

Even though I only invented this sport 5 minutes ago, it’s already blowing up. It’s going to be huge. I know this because I see it happening every time I go to Auckland. Next time a 17-year-old overtakes me at 138kph I must remember to roll down my window and yell, “stop stepping on my intellectual property rights!”

Interviewer: What do you like best about driving in the V8s?

Driver: Well, I never really mastered using the turn signal, so it’s good to have that taken off the playing field.

Interviewer: Great stuff! Good luck, man!

Driver: I locked my keys in the car. My house keys. My car keys are locked in my house.

Basketball

“Yo! I learned how to play basket ball on the street! That meant whenever a car came along the street I had to step off the street. Onto the footpath, holmes!” – My street credentials

When I was a kid everyone wanted to play basketball because it was fun. And NBA Jam had taught us that if you dunked hard enough the backboard would explode.

"...aaaaaaand ‘SPLODE!"

Michael Jordan managed to be our hero simply by playing the sport he was insanely good at, without accidentally sexing any underage girls, strippers, prostitutes or underage stripper prostitutes. As far as I know.

Before you start to think I’m talking about golf, let’s get back on track: the streets, man. As I said, I was raised on the mean streets (of Mollywood, check the sign) and like every other black kid or really tall Chinese kid, the streets is where I learnt my insane b-ball skills. I think we can make basketball more relevant for the modern age and harken back to our savage ancestral Mayan-style sport by having the losing team get knifed in a drug deal gone bad. Easy fix.

What other sports really need to be modernised and get with the times? Drop me a comment and let me know. Can we fix it? Yes we can. Like a cross between Bob the Builder and Obama.