If you’re a teacher, you’re probably used to using the internet to find helpful websites that tell you the important parts of a speech or how to teach fractions or why Trinidad and Tobago has two names. (I suggest the classy blend of Trinibago).
But what about those teachers who are thinking of stepping back from the teacher rat race of reports, meetings, using the internet and generally being responsible for children’s learning? What about those teachers who want to become relievers? Where are the helpful websites for them?
Actually, those sites are available too. This one seems pretty reasonable. This lady has some great practical ideas for relieving equipment. Then there’s this one, who thinks a good reliever is someone who tidies the teacher’s desk for them. But none of these sites really tell it like it is. Even google doesn’t understand, because I did a search for ‘good relief teacher’ and all I could find was pictures of happy children. That’s not what relief teaching is about.
I’m going to write all those sites a cheque, and I’m going to make it out to ‘reality’, because I would hate to think that all that I have learnt in the last 3 terms could go to waste.
Bask in my wisdom!
Be the Boss
I have heard that in prison (I have never been to prison. Generally, prison and working with children don’t mix) the first day you arrive you should identify the biggest toughest guy (or, you know, lesbian, if it’s a womens prison) in the whole joint. Then you should file your toothbrush down to a fine point and stab them in the exercise yard. This analogy is as good a starting place as any when you are a reliever.
A good reliever will look like this.
A good reliever will develop almost a radar sense that lets them know which children are going to make you want to pull your hair or their hair out. The first thing you must then do is catch that kid being sufficiently bad that you can justify making an example of them. If that means you have to plant marijuana in their pencil case then I’m sure nobody would hold that against you. Once you have thrown out the ringleader, the rest of the class is in the palm of your hands for at least 13 minutes. Then you’ll probably have to throw another kid out. Actually, if you can stick to that pace you will end the day with a class of 4 and they will all be girls who just want to read books about horses or impress you with their acrostic poetry about how cool you are.
Remuneration
Instead of using money, the government likes to pay teachers with the satisfaction of a job well done and a side serving of telling the entire profession that they could be doing better. (You know, you teachers could also be feeding and clothing these kids and maintaining their emotional security, while you’re at it.)
So why do teachers do all this? I don’t remember, because being a reliever has destroyed my brain’s ability to remember good times. But there’s some good news! You will get paid better than a regular classroom teacher. That’s because you don’t get any holiday pay and there is a chance that on a given day no local teacher will require a mental health recharge, so there is some uncertainty about your income. Certainty of income is for wage slaves and sissies; relievers learn how to hunt and kill their own meals during those lean times like the start of term and long weekends.
Attitude to Children
I’ve already discussed how teachers get to do everything short of wiping a kid’s butt for a mid-level salary. Why do teachers do this? I asked my wife who, against all odds, cares about children still. She told me it’s because they actually care about children and want to ensure they don’t all suck at everything they do. There’s also some stuff about the look of joy on kids’ faces when they master a new piece of learning.( I personally think that’s a myth. I’ve never seen that.)
It’s tricky, though, because when you make the move to reliever you need to do the exact opposite. That look of joy thing, you still get that as a reliever. But it’s more like the look of joy that you would see on the face of a child who has just been given a piñata in the shape of a teacher. As far as they are concerned, you are their bitch for the day. In Star Wars, the Jedi are generally friendly chaps who do the right thing and ask themselves WWYD (What Would Yoda Do). Then Darth Vader comes along. He was a Jedi, but then he spent a day as a relieving teacher and turned to the Dark Side.
The point I’m trying to make here is that relieving teachers are the dark side of teaching. We have to not care about children. That’s our job. Kids can smell caring, and it makes them savage. Plus, how can you care about kids whose names you don’t even know? That’s why I usually refer to kids as ‘blue t-shirt’ or ‘Spongebob’ or ‘Elf-ears’ or ‘Gingivitis’. Really any distinguishing feature is fair game.
Hours
When you meet a teacher, you may be inclined to say, “Wow, I bet you love working 6 hours a day and being on holiday all the time!” My stock response to that aspersion when I was a regular teacher was, “Wow, you must love getting punched in the face!”
However, as a reliever I get to perpetuate this myth by actually leaving when the kids do! What I like to do is have them pack everything up a little bit early, then race them out the gate when the bell goes. My record so far is leaving 6 minutes before the bell that marks the end the day.
I should also mention that relievers get to have all those fancy holidays everyone talks about, but since you don’t get paid to take them are they really holidays? I just call them being unemployed.
Punishment
Inevitably you will have to deal with misbehaving children as a relief teacher. Personally, I like to take it back to the old school. After all, I’m usually the only male teacher half of the kids I get will have before high school, so I might as well also be the only teacher who hands out draconian punishments the likes of which they will never see again.
Here are a smattering of my favourites.
Ironic Lines
The teacher writes this on the board:
God, I hate writing lines. Why do I do this to myself. Every. Single. Time? The teacher said quite clearly to stop throwing that pencil around, and what did I do? Damn it. I feel such a sense of remorse and failure right now...
Copy anywhere from 1-20,000 times, depending on how much caffeine you’ve had. When they hand them to you upon completion, make sure to scrutinize them carefully for exactly one second before savagely screwing them into a paper ball and tossing their agonising work straight into the paper bin.
Sit Outside
Always put them by a window where you can see them. This one works best when it’s lightly raining. I do give the kid a chair though. I’m not a monster.
Dictionary Time!
The dictionary is such a rich and versatile source of punishment. Try all of these and pick your favourite.
Tell S to start at a word like ‘nuisance’ or ‘disruption’ or some other such significant word and keep copying until you tell them to stop. This has the bonus of improving their vocabulary.
Give them a page number (I like page 56) and tell them to write all the digraphs. If, like me you don’t know what a digraph is, that just makes it more interesting.
Give them a list of words that epitomise their behaviour and tell them to find their page numbers in the dictionary. Then get them to write a story using all of those words correctly, on pain of death.
Student Archetypes
There are some common elements in most classrooms, and early recognition is the key to prevention. Memorise this information, lest you meet these students one dark day.
The Chair Chucker – As a relief teacher you will need to be adept at defusing tense situations. A staple in New Zealand schools is the chair chucker. I suggest this course of action for dealing with them.
S: (chucks a chair.)
T: I see you are good at chucking chairs. But catching is really key, because I’m good at chucking chairs too. How are you at catching chairs?
Nameless Student – Ever been unsure of a student’s name, but you're pretty sure it’s not Justin Bieber, like they keep telling you? I will call a child whatever name they give me for the entire day, even when the novelty has worn off for them. I will try to work a sneer in with it each time though.
Even better is when two kids decide to swap names for a day. This makes them feel invincible. This doesn’t bother me either, because I will call James - whose real name is Luke – James for the whole day. And if James should incense me enough to get his name on the detention list, imagine how Luke - whose real name is James – will feel when I pass that name onto the teacher? They have unwittingly shackled themselves together chain gang style!
The Helper – Almost every class has that one student who knows in their heart that you are a gibbering moron and that their teacher would never rely on you alone to run their class. They will correct you on every nuance of the daily programme that you have missed.
It will start something like this:
T: Nicola. Is Nicola here?
The Helper: Nicola usually comes late.
T: I don’t care.
Helper: When Miss is here she waits for a few minutes, and then marks the roll again when Nicola arrives. And it’s Ni-CO-la, not NI-cola.
T: Right, so today we are going to do some maths and some writing and some other cool stuff. (Sees helper with hand desperately reaching for the sky.) Sigh. Yes?
Helper: You forgot to change today’s helper name on the board.
T: I will kill you.
As you will see in the above example, there is only one course of action when dealing with the helper. You must do the exact opposite of whatever they suggest. Eventually they will recognise the futility of their actions.
The Stupid Kid – This is the kid sitting in the corner trying to use their left nostril as a pencil sharpener and their right nostril for a gold mine. Then realising they can't breathe. If this kid is in your class all year they are a constant source of anguish and bemusing horror for their teacher. But for a reliever the stupid kid just provides a day of light-hearted slapstick hilarity. Enjoy!
Questions and Answers
Here I will provide some typical questions that you will be asked as a reliever and some possible answers you may want to use. Please note that not all of these questions are questions and not all of these answers are appropriate. In this section, S stands for student and T stands for teacher, and if you were unable to crack that code without reading this bit then you need to be working in the fine professions of chemical testing or medical science. As a test case.
S: This is booooooring.
T1: You know what’s boring? Your face.
T2: I’m sorry, your teacher actually arranged for a clown to come and entertain you, but I assassinated him and took his place.
T3: Can you even spell boring? Good, find it in the dictionary and write out the definition 80 times, once for every decibel of annoying you just fired into my ear holes.
S: Where’s ooooour teacheeeeeer?
T1: Passed out blind drunk on the couch if your behaviour today is any indication.
T2:The Principal received a phone call from your teacher this morning that consisted of four minutes of screaming before the line went dead. Then they called me.
T2:The Principal received a phone call from your teacher this morning that consisted of four minutes of screaming before the line went dead. Then they called me.
S: Annoying student stole my rubber/pencil/thunder/lunch/soul/rugby cards/mojo/ruler!
T1: And?
T2: I would break their jaw. But you probably shouldn’t.
T3: Your class stole the pigmentation from my hair. Do you see me complaining?
S: Our teacher aaaaalways lets us do this.
T1: If I did everything your teacher did I wouldn’t be here right now and would subsequently be much
happier.
T2: Either your teacher is an idiot or you think I am an idiot. Which is it? By the way, if you tell me your
teacher is an idiot I am lawfully bound to report it to the Principal. If you tell me I am an idiot. Well... we’ll see what happens, won’t we. Go.
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