How to Survive Meetings

I’m hearing from quite a few of my teacher friends (and I am blessed with many) that the new year’s cycle of meetings, reporting on those meetings, then discussing those reports has begun again in earnest.
Part of being funemployed is that I don’t have to go to any meetings! Bwahaha! But I remember what it felt like. Oh yes. There are specific types of people you must take care to avoid at meetings. Don’t worry, I will list them for you so you don’t need to work it out for yourself.

The Ego Tripper
As someone who is almost completely self-absorbed, I am still frequently amazed and horrified by people who are more egocentric than I am.
I deal with egocentric children on a regular basis and there is something so depressing about the idea that this persists into adulthood. Because the universe has a black sense of humour, these people are always at courses where I am supposed to be learning about something more important than how awesome they are.
You will unfortunately meet several of these special individuals on your career journey. You should assume that any possible thing that can be done they have already done to a championship level. The ego-tripper gives birth at the top of the Eiffel Tower, without the use of drugs, despite being male. The ego-tripper will either be early to the meeting, due to being so much better at driving than you, or late because they had to give someone a tracheotomy with a plastic spork outside the dairy on the way there. Then they had to fly the rescue helicopter because the usual pilot acknowledged that they would ‘do a better job anyway’.
What has happened in your life that makes you feel that you need to have a story about yourself or someone (probably false) in reserve for every conceivable situation?
This is how a typical conversation with one of these people will play out.
Me: “I once jumped off a burning oil rig and swam to safety off the Crimean coast.”
Annoying Egotist: “When my brother jumped off a burning oil rig he rode a dolphin to shore. And on the way he prevented a shipment of cocaine from alighting, thereby saving a small coastal town’s children from a deadly, wicked addiction.”

Shut up.

Oh, I'm riding a dolphin... so it must be Tuesday.

The “Royal We”
More damaging to your life is the Royal We. Have you ever met this person? “Oh, hey, I’m glad I caught you,” they will open with casually. “We really need to get together to talk about synergising our outcomes (or some such crap).”
“Yeah, fair enough. I suppose we should get onto it,” you say good-naturedly.
You have just been snared by the Royal We. Say goodbye to your free time.
Later at the meeting.
“I’ve got nothing. Can you bang something out for us? I’ve got to get my nails done.” The Royal We, having delivered their sting, departs.

These people prey on the knowledge that you are just as lazy as they are, and won’t start the task until the last possible moment. The key to avoiding them is to always give an impression that you have completed any task. Then when they ask you to get together you can say “Already done it” and saunter away casually. I would whistle too, to show how not worried you are. As you round the corner you can start freaking out about the task that you have been successfully avoiding up to this point. You have now turned the Royal We from an annoyance to a useful reminder service!

Chips McGee
This one is pretty simple. Chips McGee is the person who, despite all common sense to the contrary, brings a bag of potato chips to the meeting. Like the person who eats a Big Mac combo in the movie theatre, this person has no regard for human life, and should therefore be euthanized.

...and then I think we should blarghmrayargarmfff

If you can identify and avoid these three pitfalls of meetings, your working life will be that much more delightful! Yay for helping!