Have you played Skyrim? I have. It’s only the biggest game to be released during the incredibly competitive Christmas season, and a frontrunner for game of the year! Like a proportion of the geek population probably numbering in the millions, I was gripped by Skyrim madness. Then I won it!
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| I did, Sean Bean. In your face. |
(Note: this marks the first inclusion of a picture with photoshopped words over it in my blog. Don't get used to it though.)
Now that I have completely finished the game, getting the platinum trophy and everything (thank you thank you, please hold your applause until the end) I realized something about Skyrim: I’m an enabler.
Now, don’t get me wrong, when there are dragons wreaking havoc and destroying cities then I am proud to be the Dark Elf who stands up and says “no more, Dragon!” with arrows. That’s fine. I mean, I’m the only one who can, apparently. Because of destiny or something. (Spoilers: I think your character’s Mum, like, had sex with a dragon. Eww.)
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| Mum!! |
But anyway, yeah, no problem.
For instance, once I was in one of the game’s major cities and I was trying to sell all the junk that I had looted off people I killed. People I killed and then took their stuff from right off their cooling carcasses. Even though it doesn’t show it in game, I like to imagine that’s how my character makes the sales pitch when he’s standing at this store, “So I just killed a bunch of guys, three giant crazy seal things and a ghost. I know, right? I didn’t believe in them either. Anyways, I pried all this stuff off their bodies – or the pile of goo left behind, in the ghost’s case. What’ll you give me for it?”
Now ask yourself: Does this seem like the person you want to ask to deliver your shipment of spiced wine?!
Apparently it does.
So I was asked. And these were my options for answering:
“Okay, I will deliver your wine” or
“I don’t have time to do that right now.”
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| Hold up. |
So even if I was dead set against delivering that wine, I still had to make the lame excuse that it was only because I was so busy. Um, too busy saving the whole world’s ass!
Here’s option C as it should have been presented:
“Motherfucker, did you see that 60 foot dragon out there?! Did you see me punch it in the face?! What part of that makes you think that I want to deliver a shipment of wine for you? Do it yourself! It’s your goddamn job! You have one job! Do I ask you to punch dragons?! Do your job!!!”
Then, to drive the message home, there should be a short cutscene of my character kicking him in the balls.
Alas, that patch has not been released as yet. Let’s start a groundswell, huh?
“Will you find me a book about herbs?”
“Could you get my necklace back?”
“Does that wheat look like it’ll pick itself?”
“Have you seen a dog that could be my friend?”
“Can you find out who murdered my wife?”
Not all of these questions are appropriate for a one-of-a-kind-destined-for-greatness hero, but the people of Skyrim don’t realise this because no matter what race or character type you choose you don’t get the ‘tough love’ dialogue options. Shit, even Jesus kicked some guys down temple stairs or something. (I’m not 100% on that one though. Haven’t seen Jesus Christ Superstar for some time.)
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| Is that old guy trying to hold Jesus back?! Holy hell, literally. |
I know Skyrim is a fantasy game, but whose fantasy is it?! Getting the most powerful guy in the world to pick lettuce for you? That’s like asking Barack Obama to help you make a sandwich. That’s assuming you could get to him past the army of guys keeping spastics like you away from him. And you would have to allow for the fact that he was armed to the teeth and his hands were on fire. With all those conditions being met, what do you think he would say to you? (Hint: The correct answer is not, “Yes, we can!”)
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| Did you just ask me to deliver wine?! Somebody hold my dogs, it's about to get tragic. |
Get your heads out of your ass, Skyrim NPCs. I’ve got important shit to do!
Just as soon as some DLC is released...
