Remember back before Facebook was a thing? 2006 was weird, right? How did people know what other people they knew were doing all day every day? It was a rough time.
I remember when I first got on Facebook. We had a stormy 1 month relationship where we couldn’t spend enough time together. Then the ardour cooled.
In time I realized the quintessential truth about Facebook: It’s a great way for annoying people to be even more annoying. Facebook’s a magnifying glass, focusing the beams of annoying from every annoying person you’ve ‘friended’ right onto your tiny metaphorical ant body.
Think about it. Right now, you’re kind of annoyed at me because every week or so I link you to undeniable proof that I am amazing. That’s got to eat away at a person. I don’t even blame you.
The weird thing about Facebook is that it’s completely narcissistic and yet the people who use it still fit into specific cliques. Facebook is like digital High School, with all the pesky learning replaced by bitchiness.
I have perfected a method of determining what category your friends fit into, utilizing the Glee theory: everyone adheres to one specific clique with the exception of the main character (you), who can multi-clique. In other words, don’t worry: you’re perfect.
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| You jocknerd, you. |
If you came across something like this on Facebook it would be as a quiz written by a Tanzanian special needs student and it would have sixteen instances of the word ‘LOLZ’ and zero instances of punctuation. Lucky for you this is a blog, not Facebook. So that means you have a slim chance of understanding:
What Kind of Facebook Annoyance are you? (Not a quiz)
The Jock
Wanted for constantly posting: Blah blah alcohol, blah blah, sex, blah, blah, partying, blah.
If your life is a never ending party and you have time to post it all over Facebook, while intoxicated, then you may be a Jock.
The Emo
Wanted for constantly posting: Lamentations about how horrible the world is. (But only for them and they’re going to tell you all about it.)
When I was in High School Emos hadn’t even been invented yet. That’s one of the clues that let me know that they’re completely unnecessary. Darwinian Theory suggests that something that cuts itself has missed the memo about survival of the fittest.
You are a Facebook Emo if you think your cold is really that much worse than everyone else’s (Man flu is an exception because that shit takes you to the brink), if your job sucks more than everyone else’s or if your ugliness is uglier than everyone else’s (even though that one’s true)
The Hippy
Wanted for constantly posting: Status updates demanding urgent action against a myriad of issues you have no hope of influencing.
The pesky thing about charity is that it’s always after your money or your time or it wants you to do something.
Piss. Off.
I spend my whole life trying to get money, and spend my spare time by avoiding doing things. I really feel like charity doesn’t understand me.
But Facebook does. Facebook knows that if you make your profile picture pink that someone, somewhere is going to be so inspired that they will just cure cancer. Just like that.
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| "I want to dedicate my Nobel Prize to that guy on Facebook. If only everyone cared like you, man. |
You are a Facebook hippy if you post anything to your status that says ‘93% of people won’t post this. Will you?’ P.S I’ll assume that question is rhetorical and you already know my answer is 'fuck no, I won’t!'
I am not even making this up, but one of my Facebook friends once posted a status asking for urgent action to stop the Lithuanian army from using dogs for target practice. Is Lithuania even a place?! Let’s imagine this incredibly potent issue is resolved by your status update. Do you know what the Lithuanian Army will practice on then? Peasants. Good job, Hippy.
Would you repost that? You’d be doing the world a bigger favour.
The Princess
Wanted for constantly posting: Glamorous pictures of themselves.
Do you have a friend who is pretty sure she (usually, but could be a he in this egalitarian age) is almost too beautiful? The sort of beautiful that would make a Greek God turn them into a crane, if Greek Gods were still doing that sort of thing. (If they are, could someone let me know because I have a list) This person thinks they are beautiful like the world couldn’t survive without regular glimpses of their beautiful beautifulness?
You are a Facebook Princess if your profile pictures were ever taken yourself in a mirror because you are looking sixteen kinds of gorgeous right now and there’s no one around to appreciate it.
CAUTION: Don’t tell this person they’re pretty! You’re just encouraging them if you do. And they probably still won’t have sex with you.
The Attention Seeker
Wanted for constantly posting: Cryptic messages that require people to respond for further elucidation.
Facebook simultaneously makes it harder and easier for attention seekers. It’s easier because all they have to do is type a message and boom everyone can give them attention. It’s harder because no one cares anymore. They have 835 other people doing the exact same thing. So then attention seekers realize they need to think more like Nickelback.
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| But not in terms of hair. |
They need a hook. They need something that people will not be able to resist posting back to. They need something that is so damn intriguing and mysterious that people would rather kill themselves than not find out what your messages refers to. And so we end up with posts like this:
“Oh my God!” attentions seeker’s friends will reply. “Are you okay?” “What’s wrong?” “Do you need a casserole?” or in my case “you should probably just kill yourself” because I hate being Facebook manipulated so amateurishly.
The above is my fantasy post. Because I work for an organization that asks each participant to make the agonizing re-contract/don't re-contract decision each and every year around January, I am fortifying myself for 120 of these, instead:
Do you want to know what their decision is? They know you want to know. But nothing is free in this world. You’ve got to ask for it. Unless you’re a total a-hole, like me. Then you can just say, “Okay! See you!” It’s particularly effective because then even if they had decided to stay they might go home anyway. Then you don’t have to worry about them pulling the same shit next year.
I’ve already done more to change the world than one of those goddamn hippies.
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| Look guys, I made it worse! |
The God Botherer
Wanted for constantly posting: Jesus’ incredible influence on their life.
All I’m saying is, if you and the Big Man are so tight, wouldn’t he have accepted your friend request by now?
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| Friend Request: Ignored! |
The Socialite
Wanted for constantly posting: Posts that are relevant to only a tiny percentage of their astronomical number of friends.
Let’s get something straight right off the bat: having 836 friends is impossible. Let’s say you were to go to each of your friends’ houses for dinner just one time. It would take you almost three years to get to them all.
Most people have, like, 4 friends. So aside from screwing up the definition of the word friend for us, (thanks Facebook) it has also created the Socialite.
You are a Socialite if your number of Facebook friends equals the number of people you have met in your entire life. The Socialite will friend you for accidentally elbowing them on the street.
As far as Facebook annoyances go the Socialite is pretty minor, because their friend count is just a number I never have to look at unless I want to (I don’t want to).
But it gets worse. To be a really effective (read: annoying) Socialite, you must constantly remind your friends how many friends you have and that you are doing awesome stuff all the time.
Make sure you tag all those people so they can see too. Otherwise they might forget that you’re friends.
The Kid that either Should have Studied Harder or has Gone Off Their Meds.
Wanted for constantly posting: Status updates that aren’t even in a human language.
What?! Is this some kind of code cracking puzzle?
Listen, buddy. If I wanted to do something intelligent like code cracking, I wouldn’t be on Facebook, now, would I?
The ‘Deep’ One
Wanted for constantly posting: Someone else’s philosophy/quotes/life.
Right now you’re thinking I’m a genius. And while you are completely correct, let me just tell you six words that may alter your opinion: Sun Tzu, T.S Elliot and Jessica Simpson. There’s already about six phrases in this blog that you could put as your status update and your friends would think you’re spreading your toast with amazing each morning.
If you want to do that then be my guest, but at least have the goddamn human decency to put my name at the end of it.
Some people on Facebook spend their entire daily status update allotment on quoting other people’s brilliance.
Wait, what?
There isn’t a daily status update allotment?
Well I guess I just pulled Facebook’s ass out of the fire. Many of these… unsavoury Facebook types could be minimized by imposing a 5 times a day limit on Facebook status updates. Facebook, if you do this, for God’s sake give me a credit. I’m trying to make a point here!
