Daihatsu!

For many years my stepfather has owned a 1992 Daihatsu Rocky SE. The SE stands for suicide engine. The Rocky is roundly considered to be the unsafest vehicle on the road.

I don’t know where Daihatsu is headquartered, but whatever Asian country houses these terrorist engineering mavericks is having a good laugh at the expense of all the other countries foolish enough to import their vehicles. Translated to English, Daihatsu means ‘suspension and accurate steering are for girls. And we drown our girls in the river.’

If the Rocky was a Transformer, its name would be DeathTrap (as it is often named anyway). Its two forms would be a precariously balanced 4-wheel-drive and a dirty pile of scrap. The pile of scrap would actually be the more useful of the two forms. At least then the other transformers could chuck it at enemy robots.

The Daihatsu Rocky draws inspiration from Rocky Balboa, the Sylvester Stallone character you may remember from such films as Rocky, Rocky 2, Rocky 3 and Rocky 4. I could go on... but won’t. You know how in the beginning Rocky is an out-of-shape nobody who trains hard and ends up a champion? The Rocky is kind of like that, but only the out-of-shape bit.

Pictured here: what people don't do when they realise the full capability of their Daihatsu Rocky.

In a way, the Rocky is the manliest car in existence. It takes every corner like it’s being driven by Jason Bourne and he’s late for work. On a completely straight, completely flat road it bounces around  as though the San Andreas fault line has a personal vendetta against it. The simple act of accelerating – or any kind of incline – will cause the Rocky to bellow like a wounded bison. These features combine in a wonderfully retarded way to make the Rocky seem more than the sum of its parts. I was filled with an almost irrepressible desire to scream “Yeeeeee-ha!” as I drove it. The psychological toll of driving The DeathTrap was staggering; it was almost as though I had lost the will to live. I certainly lost the will to drive safely. My wife will tell you that after a week of driving the Rocky I began to think of myself as something of a stunt driver. My driving conscience had devolved to the point where I treated other vehicles as nothing more than obstacles to my long-distance reversing. I have heard it said that you should avoid getting your ultimate car too soon in life, because then you have nothing left to look forward to. The Rocky works in a similar way. You should never drive the Rocky until you’re absolutely ready to give up the misconception that road safety is anything more than a tragic oxymoron.

Another thing the Rocky doesn't care about: No Parking signs

Despite all this, my stepfather steadfastly refuses to sell the Rocky. He also refuses to clean it, which may actually play in my favour. Because one day it will have enough dust and crap on it to make a better bonfire than vehicle. And on that day I will be there with marshmallows. 

The End

Violent Video Games made me a Lunatic... I Guess.

Video games get a bad rap because some people believe that they promote antisocial behaviour. I’m not antisocial. Look, I’m typing this for you right now. Do you want my perspective? Of course you do. Blaming people being morons on videogames is like blaming geese for playing silly buggers around the oil pipes in the Gulf of Mexico. Did watching 80s cartoon Mask make you want to put on a helmet and pilot a car that is also a plane? Actually, that may be a bad example because I have never wanted anything more!

A.K.A What Bigmrjosh saw himself doing as a job, circa age 8. (There's still time.)

I’ve never really played much Grand Theft Auto because I tried it once and it was hard. My friend told me you can hit someone in the face with a shovel, but only if they’re a hooker. I don’t have any desire to do this, but even if I did I don’t own a spade. Or some hookers. If I was in a hooker spading mood, I would probably fire up the Playstation and spade some hookers on there. I would do that instead of giving it a shot in real life for two reasons. Firstly, I am not a moron. And secondly, I am far too pretty for prison.

“Yo lady, you got a spade?”

Role playing games take this stuff to a whole ‘nother level. For example, RPG logic dictates that whenever anyone leaves something inside a shiny chest they mean for you to have it. And that doesn’t matter if you are on a mission from God or the village goat boy. It’s first in, first served. I have pinched enough stuff playing RPGs to open up an antiques store, but that doesn’t mean when I come to your house you need to count the cutlery afterward.

Another thing that you should only do in video games: Chicken abuse. Besides, anyone who has played Zelda: Link to the Past will know there are some pretty goddamn serious consequences for this act.

Video games are without a doubt inspirational. Some guy was inspired to propose to his girlfriend through hacking Chrono Trigger. I think that’s a good thing (but I haven’t seen his girlfriend). Mostly they inspire me to stay indoors but, hey, that keeps me out of trouble! I can't understand how some dude can play Modern Warfare 2, then decide he wants to replicate it in the real world. That takes actual effort.

I think it's more likely that some people are just predisposed to putting on a leather jacket and shooting up a lunch room, and they would probably do that whether you gave them a turn on the PS3, a copy of Mein Kampf or blindfolded them, spun them around 16 times and put an M16 in their hands. The people who are calling this the fault of video games are probably the same ones who called those guys ‘fag’ every day of their high school career.

There. Now that we've dealt with that, shall we discuss whether video games are art...?

Farewelling a Friend

If you are a regular reader of my blogs – especially during what will come to be known as the ‘China Period’ – you will recognise my plucky, clucky friend, Chicky.

Chicky’s origins are shrouded in secrecy. Some say he was a government experiment gone horribly right, some say he was plucked at random from a bargain bin in a department store, some say his owner has a sieve-like memory and is really grasping at straws since he forgot long ago where Chicky came from...

Anyway, Chicky has had an exciting life (for a soft toy). He has been to Australia, the UK, China, Fiji, Hawaii, Dubai and Paeroa. He has had countless adventures such as going down the hydroslide, and being dropped.

Initially, Chicky had a sound chip in his yellow squishy body that could be used to elicit a proud crow. After too much adventuring, it now sounds like in this book I read where a demon called the main character on the telephone. There’s still a little bit of chicken sound in there, but it’s mostly kind of scratchy and garbled and evil.

After much discussion and a fortuitous gift (which we’ll get to soon), it has been decided to retire Chicky. It is a sad day but a necessary one for the advancement of the travelling soft toy species. When my wife finished up at her school, Corbin, one of her students, gifted her with a stuffed kiwi he had made his very self. Peewee the kiwi will be taking over Chicky’s travel responsibilities. He has the advantage of being quite ‘New Zealandy’ which will be useful in our roles as ambassadors for NZ, of sorts. He has no voice chip, which means he can not be used as an instrument of corruption by The Devil. He also has an actual, rememberable origin (although I will probably just make up a new one anyway, as I am wont to do.)

So thank you for your service, Chicky. The blog at www.chicketychinathechinesechicken.blogspot.com will remain a testament to all the good work you did in your travels. And long may Peewee continue your good works. Check out my new travel blog at www.peeweethekiwi.blogspot.com. This is where Cush and I will report our magnificent findings as we stumble our way through life in Japan. It'll be getting underway in August, so get your follow on!
As always, my own random thoughts will continue to be haphazardly filtered through the lens of The Itchy Barn.

Chicky   2006-2010

Introducing Peewee

Likes: Worms, Travelling to exotic places, Rap battling, The thrill of being endangered, Afternoon naps.

Dislikes: Flying, Weasels, Flying weasels, Peanuts (he has an allergy).